She called...

"Tythus."
"Wah lau...Its been ages since u called me. Wat u want?"
"Wanna go out?"
"Go where? Arent u suppose to go out with ur husband? U have him already, no need me lar."
"Oi. Dun say like tat ok? I need someone tonite."
"And that someone is me?"
"Wat time u coming to pick me up?"
"I didnt say i wanna pick u up also."

Was I cruel? Yeah I guess so. But perhaps I would be better let u be the judge. Samantha is those hot girl that you dun really get to know her. At 5 feet 7 model, she is hot for everyone. But the problem is, she wasnt able to get me in bed with her. Why? Many reasons but the most obvious one is whenever I see her, its like seeing my own sister. Nah, I dun fuck sisters. Ewww..So damn salah wei. Anyhow, she got married to some rich suga daddy and lead a glamourous life. And when she wanna get a true fren to accompany, she called me.

"Fine! I come pick u up."
"Sam,r u serious? Mana u punya hubby? Oversea? Hooked up with someone else besides u? Or just quarrelled?"
"He's dead."

Opps...Suddenly I felt guilty. ONLY A LITTLE! But that is enuff for me to have my soft spot opened. So we went to Maison and had great dance. And u know maison on weekend is super duper terribly crowded. We drank, danced and manage to get her into that crazy wild girl she used to be. We got back and the look at ppl's face when she drove her car to fetch me. It was a reversal of reality check that I would never wish to have happen frequent. Anyhow, on my way back she stopped at somewhere and asked me some queer questions.

"Tythus, do you love me?"
"As a fren, yeah."
"Please say it into my eyes and be serious."
"I love you baby. Whats the matter."
"Your the only one who has ever said that to me without intentions to get into my pants."
"I wasnt interested."

She hugged me and I was having an awkward moment.

"You got something to ask me, Sam?"
"Does true love exist."
"Yeah it does."
"Why so fast answer me. No need to think ah?"
"I have thought it through. It exists. And I saw it."
"You did? When?"
"A few years ago, I was driving near my neighbourhood and saw two old couple. I think they are at their 60s. They hold each other hand  to cross the road. For a moment there...I saw true love."
"Do i need to be that old to get true love?"
"Nah, you just have to keep on searching. You will get it one day."

She dropped me off and sped home. I believe she cried but those are tears of hope joy and relief that there is a brighter day ahead.

"Thanks!" she text me half an hour later.
"Your welcome.  Can sleep?" I replied.
"I will try."
"Dun worry, there is bright sunshine ahead of this gloomy storm."
"How would you know?"
"Coz the only place that is flooding is way up north. So yeah. It figures..."
"LOL."

Preparation for CNY...

Apart from the usual preparation for CNY, there is one thing us singleton have to prepare. That is to meet with relatives and put with their nonsense. I know family comes first and they are truly important. Yet, there is this sense of annoyance that they hold the power to "kepoh" about everything in ur life. That includes when the hell u are getting married. I never did fancy marriage and I am so fine being single. So, the amount of questioning from my relative are endless. So people! Beware for I have prepared myself the top ten answers when they ask u this question:"When are you getting married?"

1. Havent save enuff money yet. This one works everytime. If they continue to push then proceed with this:"if ur willing to pay then i marry lor."

2. The fengshui guy say i need to wait 3 more years before i can marry.

3. I just broke up. Wah..this one very fast everyone will keep quiet.

4. I just got a girlfriend/boyfriend so it is still too early. Give me some time. Ah, this one ok lar...can stall for another few CNY. A few years later, proceed to statement No. 3.

5. We need to wait for the baby to come out first. This one will scare the shit out of them but good try. For desperate ppl lar.

6. I'm gay. Usually this one shut the whole world up.

7. I found out that my girlfriend is a lesbian or my boyfriend is gay. This one very geng coz they will symphatize with u.

8. My girlfriend/boyfriend is working in oversea. Will come back in 3 years time. Then three years later use statement No. 3.

9. I wanna focus on my career first. Erm, this one ok lar but u cant use it for too long.

And the best excuse of all...

10. Was ur marriage similarly better? I guess it wasnt hor? Then I better dun get married also, u agree?

There u go....few more months to CNY, let's get prepared!

To Steve Jobs

I may not be a Apple fan but the news of his death truly has taken me aback. I do know he is battling cancer and a most rare kind. So his days are indeed numbered as he already knew it. Yet, he still strive for greatness and it is unquestionable his achievement in his days. In fact, he has changed the world by his innovation and invention. Love u Steve Jobs, there wont be another one like you. May u rest in peace knowing that we all admired u very much.

The serious case of last minute study

PMR is this week and I believe many PMR students have one thing in mind. Get the fuck over with the exams! I know i know. stress right? Imagine after all the exam is over, u will reap your reward. All the pain would be over, baby! And u will see that tiny light at the end of the tunnel. Of course u have to walk towards it but still, its good to see tunnel and lights, right. I am sure there's one tunnel i love to dig. Opps.. Anyway, last week, i received a call from a distressing parents asking me to teach a pair of Form 3 kids. Of course i further inquire why they need such last minute study. Apparently them were playing the whole 3 years (as if everyone is serious in their studies.) Nonetheless, I took the task to help them, not to score, for it is like me giving birth to a baby(thought physically i look like pregnant for 5 years), but just to help them at least get a pass. A principal pass. Are they that bad?! Yeah.

"So u take this bring over and minus. So -3-5 is how much?"
"-2"
"Har? How come?"
"5 minus 3 and 3 is at the front. it is lesser, so negative."

In silence i shook my head but at the back of my mind i have only these to say,"FUCK U WEI!!!!!"

I told him the whole concept of positive and negative for 20 minutes and he finally got it.

Next, move on to sin cos tan. I wasnt very annoyed, they manage to get it all in. Until one of them asked me this!

"Teacher, all must be in triangle?"
"YEAH! I only showed triangle what?"
"Oh yeah hor...no wonder i only see triangles."

Then the blow came.

"Why must I learn this?"
My respond was epic.

"Coz if u dun, u will end up selling panties and bra in a departmental store to old ladies and grannies for the rest of your life!"

I know, it aint inspiring, but at least he got the message. Studying is important, whether it is last minute or last second. As long as u do it, so cheers to those who finished ur PMR! And for those who are still rushing for ur SPM, work hard. If u dunno how, then u know where to send ur resume to,huh?

The same lame excuses

Have u ever text someone who is like in ur phone list but have not contact for a 100 years. Ok, not that long lar but sometimes u do feel it is indeed that long.

"Hey. How r u?"

"Who are you ah?"

"Tythus."

"Oh. Hi. How r u? Long time no see! I change my phone so I lost all my contact list."

Frustrating right? Its not that I am complaining but what the heck! So I got fed up and here are some example of hideous replies.

Example 1

"Hey!"

"You are?"

"Someone you forgot because you changed your phone and lost my number. THREE TIMES!"

Example 2

"Hey! How are you?"

"Sorry, I lost my phone. May I know who u are?"
"I am the one who gave u the phone u lost."

Example 3

"Hey!"

"Hey! U are?"

"Your mother."

Example 4

"Hey! Remember me?"
"Not really. I lost my phone. Can tell me who u are?"

"Cannot lar. I scared to tell u coz u might fall in love with me all over again."

Example 5

"Hey. Long time no see."

"U are?"
"The person you havent seen for a long time."

Example 6

"Hi. How are you?"
"Good. U are?"
"U forgot who i am?"
"Ya. My phone list got deleted. U are?"

"I was the guy who suppose to pay u back the money I owe u but nvm lar."

Example 7

"Hey hey. Apa khabar?"
"Baik. Siapa ni?"
"Siapa lar."
"huh? Nama saya Siapa Wong."

Got many more other example but these are just suffice. So be creative and let me know wat other things u can suggest.

Wedding celebrities

Ok, it's kinda obvious that i have just attended a wedding. The usual yada yada. Thank goodness I went with my ex coursemates coz they kept me company. Now there is something pretty cliche in a wedding, to be specific, the typical chinese one. I finally found out something. More like discover from the careful observation. Every wedding have a certain "type" of people who would grace the occasion and they make themselves rather high profile. Now, let me classify them as top ten wedding celebrities! And here goes the list!

1. Drunkards. This one is for sure in every chinese wedding. They got so drunk and start to yell at each other telling everyone that they are not drunk. Then their red face just signify how big a liar they are.

2. The typical karaoke singers. I guess this one is gonna fade away soon. Coz nowadays gone are the songs like "wu yan de jie ju", "ai bia jia eh nyia","na si wa wu ji ba ban" would be sang like a few times. Yes! A few times. and worse, by the same person a few times. These days they bring in more closer to home songs. Yet, like every wedding, they will show off their truly out of tune and out of place singing in a terribly irritating way.

3. Kids. Yap! They run around like some crazy dogs bound for centuries. Wat is worse, no one can control them. Even if they can, its a wedding and ur not suppose to scold them.

4. Old aunties in their really old attire. Remember those really old aunties in their Sam fu or cheongsam. I am so gonna miss them. Yet, they grace the occasion like super star. Usually everyone will make way for them. Old age mah..

5. Some ang moh, guai lou or even negro. They will be the highlight of the day. Imagine in the sea of china beng faces, pop out one caucasian or an ebony. They will definitely catch ur eye.

6. Relatives that cant stop talking and talking. They will talk from one table to another as if it is their own son or daughter's wedding. One strange thing, they will always carry a bottle of wine with them.

7. Bored to death ppl with bored to death faces. They make up the majority. They will always come early and start to give masam muka. Waited for 2 hours alraedy. wat u expect. If they are lucky, their Iphone supply endless games. Yet, even these fails sometimes. I am not sure why but next time i am bringing my a sleeping if i ever try to make it early to anotehr chinese wedding.

8. The dai kam jie. She is the one with that bloody good cantonese vocab that helps the newly wed to the yamsing thingy. AND ALWAYS GOT SOME DIRTY JOKES ONE!

9. Friends or familiar faces. Kinda think of it, in every wedding, u almost bump into ur ex-primary school mates, or ex colleague, or that someone whom u see, exchange number and start asking ppl what the hell is his name again?

and the last but not least

10. Ex girlfriends and ex boyfriends. Alamak, this one quite sensitive so cant elaborate.

There u have it. If u dun fall into one of the above category, then u are sure to be just an ordinary guest. Enjoy ur wedding!

How the hell the name Tythus came into being?

I have been asked a lot of question regarding how I coined the name "Tythus". Well, it started many years ago when I was just a little baby boy. I was sucking my mother's milk when suddenly and angel fell from heaven and had a message for my mom. Unfortunately, my mom, who is short-fused, took a bat and hit the hell out of him. Opps....now wait. That aint what really happened! Sorry. Now let me recall again. Ah, I asked one of my church member for a christian name as I aint happy with Simon, Peter, Paul or John. She looked into the bible and found the name Titus. She said its preferably good for me as my surname starts with T. However, ppl start to tease me. Call me Tikus tikus.. Apparently, it aint a good thing. So i started to search other spellings for Titus. I found Tytus. Which is a french spelling. Suddenly, I wanna be creative for God knows wat reasons, to add a H in it. Now, the predicament that follows is that Tytus can be either Thytus or Tythus. I went for the one on the right just to remind myself to be RIGHTEOUS all the time. And why the fuck do I add a H? Coz i think it describes me pretty well. Huge ;) Huggable. Happy. Humble. Honest. Hopeful. Hungry. Horny (opps!). The list goes on and u get the point!

Goodness gracious me!

Ok, after so long, I've finally regain my consciousness and started blogging. The previous blog that I used started to censor a lot of my pieces and it is lock to a closed community. I believe I am ready to blog now. But how will my rusty hands do? I think the amount of wanking I have done for the past years and still continue to do so proves one thing. My hands are still highly versatile to do loads of stuff. Speaking of which, it's time for me to click the following button to publish a post. Damn, I am so excited.. here it goes!